Seeing somebody

When a thing happens in life, it is an event that stands by itself.
That very moment it is experienced unattached from a structure or a pattern where it may come from.

For example, if somebody is nasty to you, as much as you can, you deal effectively with the nastiness coming your way in that moment.
To neutralize it and to avoid becoming a victim of the nastiness.

But later when you are by yourself, you can use your time to reflect.
And when there were more incidents with that person, you will be able to group the remembered events.
To see them then in a context.
In a frame of time and with neutrality.
To maybe come to the conclusion that the person that was nasty, is actually often nasty and therefore is a nasty person.

This Spring three months were spend in Mexico with the Queen of Dreams.
A long time at the very location where life is now: at El Triple.
During that period at El Triple with the Queen of Dreams almost every day something unpleasant happened.
And each incident was so grotesque that all efforts were needed to deal with the problem that was made.
Because of the frequency and the intensity of the complications and confrontations, never was there time to create distance and see things in perspective to come to conclusions.

Now there has been a return to El Triple where this Spring the dramatic events took place.
Because it is peaceful and quiet now, many memories come back of the amazing behavior and attitude of the person that was invited to come.
And now these events that are memorized group themselves and in this way a personality and character becomes clear.
Independent events weave themselves into a recognizable pattern.

When in a mode of retrospection, the person behind all those destructive activities is as in a MRI scanning machine.
A clear picture emerges who that person really is.

This evaluation of a period in life with someone changes the position from, what Carlos Castaneda calls, looking into seeing.
While a dramatic event unfolds, there can only be looking.
In surprise, in awe, in indignation and in amazement.
Too busy to control the situation to do more than simply looking.
But when time and separation create distance and neutrality, one can start seeing.

This is a great step forwards because when having an overall picture of how a person really is, to truly see a person, one can decide what place to give that person in the life.
So that it is happy, productive and in balance again.




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The way she is

When meeting a person there is an osmose of beings.
A merging of the performances of personalities.
A mixing of characters.

More simply, a meeting between two people is about liking each other.
Or not.
Or a lot.
Or more or less.

But sometimes it is not that simple.
Because the other person has an effect that the own usual presentation is disrupted.
The other person causing nervousness.
Creating feelings of insecurity.

Last night this happened.
She invited to have dinner in her place.
A dear friend for several years now.




On the way to her home her text message was received announcing she had made banana soup.
Banana soup, banana soup, what the hell is banana soup ?
That was where the feelings of insecurity already started.
Was she making a joke ?
Because she knew how highly the vegetarian quiche had been appreciated on the last visit.
And that this was mentioned when the current date was made.
But it was going to be something more exotic then ?

She was dressed in tight blue jeans.
No shoes with her toenails painted red.
A silver Indian chain around her ankle.
A tight white tank top revealing enough of back and belly.
No make up and the hair naturally curled in abundance.

And indeed banana soup was served.
A Caribbean recipe.
A rich soup with not only bananas, but also pumpkin and potatoes.
No reason to whine about a quiche.

And this woman makes nervous.
Stirs up insecurity.
Makes it feel like walking on a gigantic ice cube.
Has helplessness come to the surface.
Directions lost.
Routines down the drain.
Causing stuttering, sweating and trembling.
Making a total disaster of who one is.

And it is not because of the tight blue jeans and the white tank top.
That is just the dressing.
It is because of the way she is.
Her charisma.
Her personality.
The way she carries herself.
The way she exists as a woman.

It is an extremely strong presentation she makes.
A demonstration of adulthood, wisdom and love seldom met.
It makes a man a sandcastle on the beach and she is the wave.

Indeed, it comes close to being intimidated.
Of feeling inferior to someone superior.
Superior in being.
In handling the different things in life.
The professional and the amateur.

She is invited to return the visit.
To come to the house and enjoy a dinner specially cooked for her.
But what to cook for such a Goddess?
Manna with vanilla ice cream?



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Existence is what you make of it

If a person who is in a relationship becomes physical violent towards the partner, a boundary is crossed.
It is a boundary that can be seen clearly because it is described in the civil law books of all countries in the world.
Physical violence is not accepted and tolerated and is punished.
That is the common way of thinking.
Described in the books of law.

But there is also another boundary that is crossed when committing physical violence.
To enter forbidden territory.
If two people are living together and one decides to become physical violent, the boundary is crossed from being in a loving and constructive way in a relationship to being in a not loving and destructive way in the relationship.

Of course, after the act of physical violence, the culprit usually realizes what terrible thing has been done.
And feels incredibly guilty.
For having broken the law.
And for having been destructive in the relationship fearing now that the partner will leave.

What can be observed is that the culprit enters a mode of denial.
Trying to make the performed violence look as a minor incident.
Minimizing the violence.
Offering explanations that serve to justify the agression.
Putting the responsibility for the violence on the other person.
Saying that the circumstances were forcing to be physical violent.
Denying to be an aggressive and violent person and telling it all happened by chance and not from within.

Denying responsibility for committed physical violence is preparing a new outburst soon.
That will be worse and more strong.
Denying keeps the aggression alive and potentially present and will be applied again when emotions get out of control.

When a person that performs physical violence in a relationship is closely observed one can see that there is in fact aggression, misbalance, dissatisfaction, opposition, irritation and obstruction in every aspect of the life of the culprit.
It is not that only on certain occasions a violent and aggressive person crosses boundaries.
The violent and aggressive person is constantly fighting with the whole of existence.
Even in the most little things.
A computer that is not immediately doing what it is instructed to do.
An administration that asks for documents to be filled in.
Technical developments we are confronted with.
Every of these and many other normal and daily things is for an aggressive and violent person a reason to be enraged, irritated, angry and disrupted.
Reason to shout and hysterically scream.
Reason to bang doors.
Reason to throw objects to the floor.

It is a sad life of being at war with existence.
While someone can also live in peace and in harmony with existence.
Because it is never existence itself that is good or bad.
Existence is what the person makes of it.
Making it a battlefield, including the relationship, what a violent and aggressive person does, is a dramatic and tragic life.
And no partner will eventually accept to share this kind of life.
Because he is drawn into the battle and will get wounded over and over again.
And he will see next to him existence being lived as a fight to feel the negative energy and vibrations that radiates from it.

In the end, violent and aggressive persons are alone.
Unable to have a loving, peaceful and harmonious relationship.
Until maybe one day they understand they should do something about it.
By getting help.
And help is not talking to a long time friend.
Who is too subjective and emotionally too involved.
Violent and aggressive persons need to find a psychologist or a psycho-therapist who is objective and neutral and who is specialized treating violent and aggressive persons.

The day a violent and aggressive person comes to understand something drastic should be done about it may never come.
Because it is very well realized that professional psychological treatment will involve an ultimate confrontation with the past.
And that is often assessed as more painful than being at war with existence.

But the partner that leaves the violent and aggressive person listens to the lyrics of this Madonna song:

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye.




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Professional help needed

When a man and a woman are living together it can be paradise.
They love each other, they care for each other, they support each other.
But rarely with couples it is peace all of the time.
Sometimes there are conflicts and arguments.

There is nothing wrong with this.
In fact, it can be even very healthy as it can make things more clear between the two lovers.
But this supposes that an openness remains and decency and respect.
The civilized attitude to always stay in the communication in a constructive and dignified way.

However, if one of the two has not evolved from attitudes children have, a healthy and prosperous relationship becomes hardly possible.

For example, when a couple has a disagreement and the way out is to have a conversation until a solution is found or new common ground, it will not help at all if during the discussion one is overwhelmed by emotions and runs away.
Stops all communication and leaves the other alone and with the burden to deal with someone that runs away.
To break off a conversation is not only disrespectful, it is counterproductive: it will not bring the couple closer together.
To the contrary: it makes a wound that is hard to heal.

There is another attitude that is most destructive for a relationship.
And this is when one of the two introduces physical violence.
If this happens, the very best one can do is to immediately stop the relationship.
And say goodbye forever to the culprit.
Because once physical violence is tolerated and accepted, it will happen again.
And each time it will be worse.
And then it hangs as a dark cloud above the relationship.
The violent one knows it is a tolerated option when angry.
And the receiver lives with the constant awareness that violence might take place again.
Awareness that can turn into fear.

But at the same time something happens when physical violence is tolerated.
The aggression obviously present in the violent person starts to be expressed in small actions in the daily life with the partner.
In words and deeds.
For example, when the violent person does not agree with something, the person can swing the door of a room as hard as possible so it closes with a bang waking up anybody in the house.
It is a demonstration of violence, disrespect and aggression that doesn't affect others directly, but it intimidates and it is deeply disturbing.
It is a childish behavior to bang doors when displeased but most of all it is another destructive, aggressive and intimidating act towards the partner.

One can learn to communicate if one has the discipline to remain within the communication.
But if someone has a violent personality, the relationship must stop and the violent person needs to find professional help.



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Fight the fight

There is a second chapter to the issue that was the subject of yesterday's posting.
That was about physical violence in a relationship coming from the woman directed towards the man.

A lot could be said about the woman becoming physically violent but that is a matter that concerns her.
The man involved in this should not bother with that initially.
That can wait until a possible later evaluation performed by the two protagonists.

The man should focus fully on the emotions inside his heart that are initiated by the actions of the woman .
Like the anger that may arise coming from her agression.
Or rage.
Or the urge to become physical violent also.

It is a matter of remaining centred.
To be able to be a spectator of the own emotions.
Instead of drowning in the own emotions and to be carried away by them.

This recommended method is easy to put in words.
But it is a different story when hell breaks loose.
When the coffee pot is smashed against the wall.
When there is screaming and yelling.
When there is accusing and insulting.
In that situation to remain calm and centred is a godlike task.

It is the only way though.
To neutralize the situation.
And to create the circumstances to have calm return.
To be able to evaluate together and have understanding for the outburst.
To reach new grounds for life together.




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Woman beats man

One of the most painful issues between a man and a woman is physical violence.
When it comes to this, somehow other forms of communication have failed.
And out of frustration reaching each other comes to be physical violence.

Now, when the man beats the woman, what he never should do no matter what, the man has an advantage.
Usually he is the physical stronger and the woman is weaker.
She has no effective defences and this is recognised in the civil laws of most countries.
Where men who beat up women go to jail.

But what happens when it is the woman who becomes physically violent?
That she gets so angry and misunderstood and frustrated and upset and hysterical that she loses all control and physically attacks the man?
An immediate issue arises in that case.
If a woman attacks physically a man, is the man entitled to respond with physical violence also?
The answer is simple: absolutely not.
He should try to neutralize the physical attack.
And move the interaction into calmer non-violent waters.

This is the absolute obligation of the man.
There are no excuses.

However, this puts the man in a most responsible position.
When it comes to physical violence between a man and a woman there usually is a history of emotional confrontations.
That have been expanding each time losing any reasonability and that are filled with high and extreme emotions.
On both sides.
Hence, probable is that the intensity of the emotions of the woman is matched by the intensity of the emotions of the man.
The woman though can let go of all control and apply physical violence.
But the man, in the same intensity of emotions, must choose somehow to remain rational and controlled.

The question then is, whether the man is able to do so.
He feels the emotions raging through himself.
He feels the physical violence of the woman.
But he must remain rational and controlled.
Is this humanly possible?

Maybe yes.
Maybe no.
Maybe this time he can.
Maybe next time he cannot.

Therefore, a man that gets into this situation can better not rely on his expectation that his rationality and control are always effective.
This is way too dangerous.
Overestimating the own will-power can make the man end up in prison.
And with a lifelong trauma.

The man can chose the safest way out of this unfortunate situation of being with a physically violent woman.
Which is to get the hell out of there.
Far away from her.





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Safe in love

It has become a question to ask each time a couple that is together for a longer time is met.
The question is:

"Obviously you love each other.
But do you also sometimes dislike each other?"

And each time the couple answer positively.
They say: "Yes, we love each other but we also dislike each other sometimes".

The peculiar thing is that the fact they also dislike is not such a big deal.

Last night the question was asked if disliking, besides loving, is not resulting in a breakdown of the relationship.
That disliking is of such a devastating influence, that the love is totally wiped out.

And surprisingly, the interviewees all explained that to dislike within a loving relationship is not destructive.
Because of the presence of the love.
It is like the disliking can exist between two persons and can be experienced.
Can be felt but without dumping or projecting it on the other.
If the disliking is simply felt and not cultivated, the disliking will do no damage.
Because when the disliking is over, the love is there to embrace the two lovers.

Once this knowledge is deeply understood, one needs not to be afraid of feelings opposite to love towards a partner.
One can feel relaxed in a relationship and experience all kinds of feelings.
And feel safe whatever the feeling is.

Desire as a circus act

Cathy said: "I am so terribly disappointed in you".
While Pete had no idea what his girlfriend was talking about.

It is not easy to have a decent and constructive conversation clearing skies between partners in life when one of the two is occupied with feelings of strong disappointment in the other.
Hence, Cathy and Pete crashed into a bad relationship brawl.

What was the matter then between Cathy and Peter?
They were together for four years.
And Cathy had expected that Pete would invite her on the evening of the day of celebration to a nice restaurant and she expected him to ask her to marry him.

For Pete it was different.
He didn't even remember the exact day when he started dating Cathy.
And thoughts to marry her were less on his mind than the hard time he was having in keeping his job.

In general, each person has certain desires.
Possibly expressed in expectations.

Cathy was desiring to have a romantic dinner with a marriage proposal coming out of the vortex.
That desire she transformed into an expectation projected on Pete.

Of course Pete is a man that is not fully into his relationship with Cathy.
If it is serious, a man should remember certain vital dates related to the partner and the relationship.
Invite the lady for romantic dinners and bring her flowers once in a while.
To make work not more important if it is the woman of the dreams.

But Cathy too has some work to do.
A desire is a personal thing and it is very inappropriate and destructive to transform desires into expectations to be fulfilled by others.
That is asking for trouble.
Dumping tons of disappointment into the own heart.

A desire can be seen as something that comes up in the heart.
It can grow to large proportions but the trick is to remain the observer.
Not to have the desire encapsulate life and become the commander.
Once the desire is in control, bridges are made with other people who are expected to satisfy the desire.
In most cases that doesn't work resulting in deep disappointment and often a ruined relationship.
But the Cathy's among us who can observe neutrally a desire develop by circling around the phenomenon free as a bird, do not need to get others involved.
The desire grows and grows and the most fantastic thing is that by remaining an observer and avoiding being overwhelmed and taken over by the desire, it eventually starts to lose momentum.
Like threatening clouds building up in the sky, inspiring to quickly find an umbrella, the wind blows the clouds away to see a blue sky again.
Remaining the observer is like the own desire performing on a stage in a theater.
The show starts, it is performed and it ends.
Or see it as a balloon.
It swells and gets a round proportion until the air comes out again and the balloon shrivels to nothingness.

Cathy would have made her life much more easy if she had been able to be aware of her desire as an observer.
And her relationship with Pete would not have been damaged needing serious repair after the projection of her expectations on him.
If they are to marry, no desires are needed.
It will happen one day when time has come.

Some weeks ago, because of a new contact, suddenly tremendous desire arose at El Triple.
Fortunately, at this location, life is very meditative.
Relaxed, calm and peaceful.
A perfect situation to avoid to become driven by sudden strong emotions.
To loose one's head and start projecting expectations.
Trying to force the other person to satisfy the desire.

The desire did not manage to come inside and take over but is observed hovering like a hurricane above the Pacific Ocean.
Losing power, influence and impact.

The contact with the person in question continues though.
Without disappointment.



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