Sunday, January 31, 2010

No absence in the presence

Early in the morning in a state between sleep and awake.
Turning over to put the arms around the Queen of Dreams to hold her close and share the warmth and love.
As has happened for most mornings over the last two months.

But instead of the person who has an incredible beauty of heart, there was a void.
An emptiness.
Arms stretching and hands searching to find nothing.
Absence in the present.

This made the state proceed into being fully awake to realize the Queen of Dreams is an ocean away.
The lack of her in the embracing arms translated into pain.
Not a physical pain, but a feeling in the heart that hurts and bites and carves and chisels and erodes and drills and bangs and booms and bombards and explodes.

Early in the afternoon after lunch having a nap outside in the sunshine.
In a state between sleep and awake suddenly the incredible and scaring thought came to mind not to know where the napping was taking place.
A panic overwhelmed.
Was this a hotel room in the USA or maybe somewhere in Europe?
Was this the bedroom of the Queen of Dreams?
The apartment in Amsterdam?
Where was this?
This feeling of not knowing where it all was had an enormous impact.
It felt like having left earth and drifting hopelessly in space somewhere.
Away from anything known until now.
Being absent in the present.

This made the state proceed into being fully awake to realize that this was Mexico, Baja California, Punta Boca del Salado, the Gonzales family, the Fuso Szulc next to the Sea of Cortez, 109 West and 23 North.
It was then realized what traveling during two months does to a human being.
It unroots.
Cuts of connections to one specific place and the people that live there.
To create a particular void in the unconsciousness.

In the end though, it doesn't matter where one is.
In someone's arms or in a particular place.
As long as life is approached from the heart with love.
Then there is no absence.
But only total presence anywhere anyhow.

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