Thursday, February 8, 2007

Made in Japan toilet

We are approaching fast the 100th posting of this blog called “The life of a pioneering photographer” and until now it has been going extremely well.
A great joy to think of ideas for subjects and a challenge to write them in a beautiful way.
Fantastic to see the interesting comments and to receive the often warm and comforting e-mail messages.

But today it is going to be probably one of the toughest challenges to write a posting in the history of the blog “The life of a pioneering photographer”.
An enormous challenge because we need to discuss Japanese toilets.

Japanese toilets are different and unique compared to toilets we have the pleasure of sitting on in most other countries.
First of all, most toilet seats in Japan are heated.
This fabulous option is for use in wintertime and it needs not much imagination to realize what an immense pleasure a heated toilet seat offers on a cold and windy day. There might be snow and ice and a Northern storm chilling bones and stifling muscles but no way Japanese buttocks suffer when exposed.
In fact, it is an immense pleasure to be seated on a heated toilet and it makes sense to take “Sisters” along, the latest book of Danielle Steel.

But what is really blowing the mind when first experiencing a Japanese toilet is to see that on the side a complicated control panel is mounted.
And on the inside of the toilet-lid the instructions.
It must have been a true genius that has stumbled on this idea, but we are encountering here probably one of the greatest inventions ever made.
Most Japanese toilets have a built in shower!
It takes some time to master this intelligent design and learn how to handle the controls but basically it comes down to activating the system after the brown submarines have left base to achieve a thorough cleaning.
The way it operates is that a pipe moves from a secret place in the sides of the toilet bowl to the very and dangerous centre.
The end of the pipe is equipped with a small showerhead.
There is nothing to worry or to fear: the water of this shower is warm.
And depending of the delicacy of the target, the water pressure can be regulated.
Tough guys may want to use the maximum setting towards the plus sign and more delicate persons should go to the minus to avoid injury.
Another word of warning concerns first time users. If never this Japanese treat has been experienced it might be so surprising, this particular feeling of a warm and centred spray of water bombarding and hammering the entrance to the space where the sun never shines, that the shocked person may stand up.
Never ever do this!
Do not stand up!
The pressure of the upside down waterfall is so strong that it can seriously damage the ceiling or cause trouble with the neighbours upstairs.
Probably not really necessary is the warning not to start the shower when still in the process of launching the soft projectiles. A child can understand that this would be really funny but truly devastating as well.
An advice for which many people will be thankful for the rest of their lives is to have the left hand finger already on the “STOP” button when activating the cleaning process.
In case it seems to be more a calamity, instead of standing up, response should be pushing the “STOP” button and disaster will be avoided.
A word of advice comes from the more experienced Japanese Toilet user. Once used to having this unusual washing take place, we don’t want the spray to cover only part of the area needing cleaning. Therefore, and do not forget you are alone and nobody can see you, the person should do the sitting Chubby Checker.
Now, some loyal and fervent blog readers may ask, what is doing “the sitting Chubby Checker”?
We can only say to remember his famous 1960 hit “Let’s twist again”. To this dance, called the Twist, the movements refer needed to have maximum profit from the faeces shower.
The idea is to let the U-boats go, put the finger on the Off switch just in case, activate the system and do some serious twisting out of the hips.
It takes some practice but once mastered the effectiveness of this strategy shows on the toilet paper becoming wet but remaining clean.

We should not forget that a Japanese toilet with a build-in shower serves as a bidet as well.
One button shows a graphic representation of a pair of buttocks and what looks like two sprays of water. That’s for everybody.
A second button shows those same sprays of water and a woman, recognisable by a fancy hairstyle, sitting sideways in shadow profile washing not only her behind but for inexplicable reasons the backsides of her legs as well.
Those stupid French, where bidets originate, have in their bathrooms not only a toilet bowl but also a separate bidet. They never had the brilliancy like the Japanese to put two and two together into one.

This blog was not sponsored by Tempur-Pedic and Toto, maker of the finest Japanese shower toilets.


Anonymous said...

Amazing! I want one.

Anonymous said...

I've been to Japan, but never got up the nerve to push those buttons. Wife said she wished we could get such devices in the States. If I ever get back
again I'll give it a try now that you have explained the controls.
Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

You can get one of those seats here in the states, they cost about $2000 or so.

A box of Handi-wipes for 3 bucks would work just as well.

Stay clean and remember; Flush twice it's long way to Washington,DC.

Anonymous said...

Wow!! What a wonderful idea. I would love to have one.

Anonymous said...

Ya mean, while you were in Iran, you didn't use their cleansing system??? Maybe not electronic, but just as effective!