The corrupted mind

Two days ago sitting in front of the Fuso Szulc on the self build terrace overlooking the bay of El Triple and seeing the waves of the Pacific Ocean roll in, the head was turned and a field came into view.
A green field surrounded by rows of bushes covering the rolling hills.

It was realized that a visit to this location had happened before.
With someone there had been a picnic on that field some time ago.

But then the thinking reached a barrier.
Was that field there or was it a memory?
This enigma was quickly solved: there are no green fields to see at El Triple.
In 2010 there has hardly been any rainfall: nature is as dry and sordid as ever.

The thinking reached a new stage: the visual memory of the green field, was it a memory of a green field that actually exists somewhere or was it a memory of a field that had been seen in a dream?
There the thinking stalled.
Because the answer could not be found.

For over an hour life became paralyzed searching in the mind if ever that green field had been really visited.
With who then had that picnic been?
Where could that green field be?
But if it had been in a dream, what had the dream been about?
How recently had that dream been?
And why would that detail of the dream come suddenly so strongly into the consciousness?

Eventually this intensive process of contemplation was halted.
It could not come to a satisfactory conclusion.
No determination if it was a memory of a place that really exists or a memory of a green field from a dream.

As of then, there is a certain worry.
If in the mind it cannot be known anymore if a memory is from the past reality or from an old dream, thinking becomes a most unreliable activity.
And disturbing because a memory can initiate a feeling.
A mood and emotions.
If a memory makes sad or happy but is a memory coming from dreams, it is the non-reality forcing upon us a feeling.
Corrupting an essential aspect of us human beings.
It can be wonderful and healing to remember events from the past with its accompanying emotions.
But if those events get mixed up with often absurd contents from dreams we unwillingly remember, we are in fact lost.

If we are sure it is a memory from the past that really happened, there is no problem.
But if it is a green field from a dream, we are pushed out of balance.

But maybe this is what a retreat, now in its 28th day, is doing.
The awareness gets so high and the space to think so big, that contradictions, faults and paradoxes get noticed in the thinking process.
Which is a good thing.
Thinking is great when playing chess but not to live spiritually.
When flaws are discovered in the thinking process, it becomes more easy to distance oneself from that unreliable activity.
Once thinking stops, pure life begins.



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