Sunday, May 11, 2008

The shining through stewardess

Yesterday the flight was from the city of Gerona in Spain to the city of Rotterdam in the Netherlands.
The airline company was called Transavia.

The one-way ticket was costing 224 € (350 $).
A hefty price for a 1 hour and 20 minutes flight compared to low cost carriers like Ryanair.

But one of the advantages of Transavia is that it is not free seating like with Ryanair and Easyjet.
If it is free seating people become like cattle.
Pushing and shovelling to be the first inside and get the best seats.
With a boarding pass and an assigned seat it is all more relaxed and this is highly appreciated.

On the boarding pass it said: seat 26D.
Entering the plane it was first believed row 26 would be somewhere in the second part of the plane.
But it turned out it was the very last row in the plane.

The policy is to have always a seat as much in the front of the plane as possible.
There are several reasons for this.
  • In the front it is quieter: the noise of the engines is much louder in the back.
  • In the front the breathing air is less polluted: the foul air moves to the back of the plane and accumulates there.
  • In the front one is seated more quickly and leaving the plane as one of the firsts gives the opportunity to go to the bathroom in the airport building before the belt starts bringing the luggage.

Hence, it was not very much appreciated to be put in the very last row of the Transavia plane.
But what made matters even more worse was that in seat 26D, the aisle seat, a huge man was already sitting.
A man so big that easily two other men could have fit in him.
He was not only build as a WWF-participant but also a fine example of excessive obesity.
A man that needs two extensions to his safety belt.

He immediately said:
“Oooh, you are of a slender build so you can squeeze in next to me.”
He had the idea that for his convenience he would take the aisle seat and the permanent pilgrim was supposed to take the middle seat.
To be squeezed in by the man sitting next to the window and having to give up half of the own seat because of the bulk of flesh and bones entering from the side of the monstrously big fellow.

Sometimes in life you have to stand up for yourself.
Already it is noisy in the back of the plane breathing bad air.
Besides, behind and to the side are toilets having to hear the doors open and close and the toilets being flushed.
If not worse.
But to have to sit in a seat and to have to share it with half of another guy is really too much.

Have the fervent and loyal blog readers maybe meanwhile thought about their servant’s safety?
What if an immediate disembarkation needs to take place?
The plane wants to take off.
Makes speed.
Looses control.
Ends up in the meadow at the end of the runway.
In a matter of seconds.
And as quickly as possible passengers need to jump out of the emergency exits due to risk of fire and the airplane exploding.
How on earth can someone have a chance to live when the way out is blocked by a 250-kilo (550 Pounds) mass of meat?

By the way, in the USA it has been witnessed that voluminous persons did buy two airplane tickets.
So they could sit comfortably and not disturb and annoy and molest and hinder another passenger.

Many fervent and loyal blog readers will mention also the high risk of being mortally gassed.
If one innocent traveller sits next to a petite lady and she happens to fart, the volume of air is 23 cc (7 ounce) recent scientific researches have found.
But if a man of proportions as was in seat 26D farts probably 2,4 litre (82 ounces) will come out of that body killing anything alive within a radius of 2 meters (6 feet).

Standing up for oneself in this situation was to stay alive.
In this case it was by informing the stewardess standing right there, that the assigned seat was obviously not available and that it was refused to sit squeezed in on the next seat.
This annoyed the stewardess.
A young Dutch woman with blonde hair and having this typical attitude of being professionally friendly but showing through it clearly her irritation about the problem that was created.
Her message was:
“Just sit down and shut the fuck up”.
But she said hypocritically with a false smile:
“If everybody would cooperate, there would be no problem.
You can see that this passenger cannot sit in the centre seat.
So be considered!"
In other words, just sit down and leave me alone.

It was brought to her attention that obviously the plane was not full.
So that she could arrange to move either Mr. Ultrabig or Mr. Slimslender to another seat.
This was not too much trouble for her, so it was believed.
Again she insisted that if there were cooperation and friendliness, nothing would be the matter.

The stewardess therefore escalated the situation.
It was her trouble finding another seat or the passenger having to squeeze in and be very uncomfortable for one hour and 20 minutes.
It was the opinion of the globetrotter that finding another seat was not big of a deal.
Plus maybe part of a certain level of service offered by the company paid 224 € (350 $)?
Why would a passenger have to sit in most uncomfortable and dangerous conditions if plenty of other chairs were in the plane available?
What kind of powergame is that?

Standing up for oneself was in a friendly way, because in these situations dealing with young Dutch stewardesses, it is important to always remain very friendly.
But having shine through it the message:
“In another situation I would rip your skirt and possible underwear from your ass and give you a spanking so that sitting will be painful for 13 days!!!”

It was simply and kindly refused to sit down on seat 26E and it was insisted to get a seat re-assignment.
The Dutch stewardess could not do anything else but to accept this standpoint by the passenger but was shining through:
“I hate you for not being flexible. If it was another situation I would rip your pants off and lick your ass until just before you to get an orgasm to squeeze forcefully your balls with the coldest ice cubes that can be found on the South Pole”.

Obviously, a very interesting relationship was developing between the Dutch stewardess and the obnoxious passenger.

The by now rather excited traveller was asked to stand in the kitchen of the plane and the usual procedure by the crew to prepare to start the journey took place.
It was obvious, all passengers on board and the doors closed, that another seat could be assigned immediately.
But the Dutch stewardess obviously wanted to punish and show who was the master/mistress of the game.
While lingering in that kitchen and contemplating how cold ice cubes from the South Pole actually are, it was realized that the waiting made no sense.
The Dutch stewardess made it into a toy of punishment.

To limit the damage, the book “Across the river and into the Trees” by Ernest Hemingway was taken from the pocket.
And if nothing was the matter, the reading of chapter 7 was started in the airplane kitchen.
This to send a signal to the Dutch stewardess:
“I don’t give a fuck that you make me wait. I am beyond the pain you try to inflict. But for doing what you do now, in another situation, I will ask my friend from Zimbabwe to come and make you hot but he will refuse the very last moment to penetrate you. Now that will teach you and your ice-cubes a lesson!!!”

The situation in the Transavia airplane was getting more or less out of hand because now ice cubes from the South Pole had to be hauled in and the friend from Zimbabwe had to be flown over.

The very last minute, just before the plane started to taxi, the darling Dutch stewardess came into the kitchen and said:
“Come with me!”

Pretending to be deep into Hemingway, figuratively spoken as one must promise to understand, the message was heard like not knowing what was actually the issue.
Like having forgotten the whole affaire.
Like the flight would be enjoyed standing and reading in the kitchen.

The seat available was in the front of the plane with nobody as a neighbour.
As was wished all along.
A most comfortable flight.


To book a flight with Transavia, although without a guarantee the shining through stewardess will be at your service on your flight, click on:



Anonymous said...

Excellent advice.

Outstanding result.

Recounted to your fervent readers with a smile, too.

TiogaRV said...


You are a panic! :)


Anonymous said...

My dearest photographer, I found your story like a funny tragedy... it's amusing to read it but I guess it was vexatious to be in such an unconfortable situation... Still I want to let you know I love how you describe things like this and how you live and love life.