Saturday, March 3, 2007

Lack of love

When parents are too occupied by their own problems they are unable to love their children.
A child is able to be very flexible and accept the circumstances in which it is growing up.
But a lack of parental love is strongly felt and desperately missed.

Having to grow up without the love of parents is probably the most devastating thing what can happen to a human being.
The child looks for the love more than anything but can’t find it.
It might look for the love to receive it from another person or in other situations, but there is no love that can replace the parental love.

A child having to grow up without the love of the parents will be influenced by this lack of love for the rest of the life.

The child, becoming an adult, has not learned what it means to be loved.
And has not learned how to love itself.

Emotionally this unfortunate person is in turmoil and lacking an inside stable foundation: the person will go to extremes.
Possibly by creating a life in which emotions hardly play a role.
Becoming a scientist. Or instrumental in war.
Possibly by continuing to look for love but by being disappointed every time because nothing matches the desired parental love.
Continuing to look anyway and each time more extremely to end as a very disappointed and disillusioned person.

In this last group we find artists.
They are into sublimation.
They are aware what is wrong and try to balance this by a creative product.
Fill the holes.
One of them is John Lennon.
He lacked the love of his parents that made him a very troubled person.
Out of his being troubled though the most beautiful songs came to us.
Like this one:

Mother, You had Me I never had you
I wanted you but you didn't want me
So I got to tell you
Goodbye , Goodbye

Father, You left me but I never left you
I needed you but you didn't need me
So I just got to tell you
Goodbye , Goodbye

Children, Don't do what I have done
I couldn't walk so I tried to run
So I got to tell you
Goodbye , Goodbye

In the life of a person who lacked love as a child might come a moment in time that it has to be realised that the search is useless.
That the love of others will never compensate the parental love.
That success will never compensate it.
Nor glory, nor fame.
That material wealth will not compensate it either.

One way out of this hopeless situation is to practise ultimate self-love.
To make oneself completely obsessed and overwhelmed by oneself.
Being completely flooded by self-love in order not to miss the parental love and avoiding suffering the consequences of not having been loved by the parents.

Another way is to give up life.
A common method.
Because the desired love cannot be found it seems better to leave life.
Another way to avoid the suffering.
Giving up life can be becoming an alcoholic or a drug addict or committing suicide.

Both options do not make sense to the own life and the community one lives in.
It is a way of dealing with the most important event in life as a looser.
As someone running away.
The “Goodbye” of John Lennon.
Not being strong enough to deal with this most complicated and serious problem in life in a constructive and positive way.

So, what is the way to go in life in case one lacked love as a child?

Fervent and loyal readers of this blog are invited to present their view on what is the good and positive way for someone to handle lack of parental love.

In two days we will return to this subject and comments of fervent and loyal readers will be included.


Joe said...

The lack of parental love is the fundamemtal reason my second marriage ended. My wife could never get over it. She waited her whole life for her mom to love her and it just didn't happen. I was too stupid to see the red flag.
I don't know how one can do it, but you've just got to get over it and move on, accepting that hole in your heart and look to other things to focus on. Easier said than done, if its possible at all.

Anonymous said...

I am very lucky to have been raised by two parents whose love I never doubted. As a retired teacher, I have known many young children who were not so blessed as I. I always did everything I could to help these unfortunate children. But it was never enough to make up for the parental love they so needed. The end of a school year was always hardest on these kids. School was often the only constant thing in their life. I still pray for them.

Dawn Pier said...

Whoa! Michel...this is hitting home very hard. You have expressed something in words that I have always known to be true, but you expressed it so clearly for me. Thank you. The blessing has been for me as an adult to learn that my parents do love me, but that it is in THEIR way...unfortunately, as a child we need the very basic aspects of love - hugs, kisses, to be told we are beautiful inside and out and to be told we are loved for who we are no matter what. The unconditional love of the ideal parent.

I also understand better now why you were surprised when I told you how my sister and i convinced my parents to change...

thank you for sharing this...and yes, I've been reading your blog today to try to get some of that "vibe"